Why Do We Keep Doing What We Know Is Bad for Us?

In This Article

• Why knowing that something is bad for us is often not enough to make us stop
• How habits, social conditioning, and emotional soothing influence our choices
• Why shame, guilt, and self-judgment can make harmful patterns harder to change
• How understanding emotional triggers creates room for a different response
• Why lasting change ultimately depends on an inner decision to choose differently
  
  

Spoiler alert: The answer to the question, why do we keep doing what we know is bad for us, is not because we're stupid, or because we have no backbone, or because we don't love ourselves, or other self-judgmental reasons. Actually, believing that these are the causes can keep us in that cycle of repeating the same old behavior.

If we do something, let's say eat a food that we know will upset our stomach, or drink alcohol in excess which we know will make us feel horrible the next day, judging ourselves as stupid, or having no backbone, or blaming ourselves for not being able to stick to our goals, will actually only serve to keep us in the rut. It creates guilt, shame, and a perverse form of punishment in which we may begin to think that feeling bad is somehow what we deserve.

So let's look at that question again: Why do we do things that are not good for us? Well, I would say, as with anything, there are multiple reasons. There is never just one cause or one explanation that fits all of us, or that fits all of our situations, or that fits even any one situation.

We Didn't Know Then What We Know Now

Maybe the first explanation is that when we started this behavior that eventually became a habit, an addiction, or simply a repeated pattern, we were not aware that it was going to be detrimental to us.

For example, we may not have been aware or believed that smoking, drinking, or indulging in drugs would become a problem. Because in that moment, it was not a problem at all. It was fun, it was relaxing, it was enjoyable, it was a bonding moment with our peers.

And if we look at it from an environmental perspective, in the same way, when we started using plastics, or throwing things away rather than repairing them, we were not aware of where this was leading. We did not know that there would be islands of plastic floating in the ocean. We did not know that we would end up with microplastic particles in our brain. We did not know that our tons of garbage would pollute our air, our water, and our soil.

So many of these behaviors, whether they involve recreational or pharmaceutical drugs, foods, refraining from exercise, or any other non-beneficial habit, began at a time when we were not aware, in most cases, of the consequences. We were just living in that moment, enjoying our life and doing what felt good.

Forgive Yourself and Move On

So one of the first things we must do is forgive ourselves. In the words of the master teacher Jesus, or to paraphrase him, forgive yourself because you didn't know what you were doing.

Yet even now, now that we do know what we are doing, we still have to forgive ourselves when we lapse or relapse away from making a better decision.

Forgiving ourselves does not mean that we avoid responsibility. Quite the opposite. Once we stop expending our energy blaming and punishing ourselves for the past, we have more energy and awareness available to make a different choice in the present.

We are creatures of habit. We also like to feel good in the moment, and we are heavily influenced by the people around us, by the programming that we've been subjected to, and by all the advertising and messaging that is present in packaging as well as in media.

The New "Normal"

We learn from what we see. And this goes for attitudes and behavior as well as foods and lifestyle choices.

When I think back to TV shows and movies that were filmed in the 1940s, '50s, and '60s, it was common to have the actors on screen smoking cigarettes as well as drinking alcohol. And this was programming, whether intentional or not, for those of us who saw these shows. It made smoking and drinking look normal and acceptable and even "cool."

The same goes for drinking sodas, eating chocolate or hot dogs or candy, bingeing on chips or pizza, or whatever. When we are repeatedly shown images of people exhibiting a certain behavior, it somehow makes it seem OK for us to do the same.

So the first step to changing our current behavior is to be aware that we are where we are today, both individually and as a society, due to not only our own actions and choices, but the actions and choices of people and society around us.

However, because we have the power to make our own decisions, we can now choose differently. We can decide whether or not we want to continue that behavior.

So our first step is to become aware of the problem and forgive ourselves for what was, at the time, innocent or naive behavior. Making a conscious decision and acknowledging that we wish to change that behavior is the next step. And then we accept responsibility for what we choose from this point forward.

Once we drop the guilt, shame, and blame, we are in a position to step forward without these chains holding us back in old patterns and behaviors. It's also important to acknowledge that if we've had a certain behavior for years, we need to give ourselves the leeway to try and try again. We may not get it right the first time, or even the tenth.

A Tripping Point

Once we've decided that we want to change a behavior, even with our best intentions and even after rationalizing why it's good for us and why we need to do it, there is a major tripping point.

And that tripping point is that a lot of these behaviors were used to soothe our anxiety, our emotions, our insecurities, or whatever else we were feeling.

For example, if you decided to stop eating sweet pastries or smoking cigarettes or whatever, when you get stressed, or your buttons get pushed, or you get sad, or you get into any kind of emotional slump, the natural or pre-programmed reaction may be to reach for that comfort food, cigarette, drink, drug, or whatever you have used in the past to make yourself feel better.

And because, when we're in the throes of emotional turmoil, we aren't usually thinking as clearly as we do at other times, it's easy to get caught in the whirlwind or whirlpool that drags us back down into the very behavior we're seeking to step away from.

So that brings us back to step number one: forgive yourself and reconfirm your desire to change.

The saying "Rome wasn't built in a day" also applies to changes that we're seeking to implement in our lives, our behavior, and our attitudes. Just like a child learning to walk, we're going to trip, we're going to fall, we may even cry, and then we can choose to get back up and try again.

Understanding the Why

There is a way out of this emotional merry-go-round, and that is to examine and probe into the causes of the emotional upset.

Why does a certain thing upset you? What does it remind you of? Who does it remind you of? What feeling is coming up that makes you want to escape from it or soothe it? What is the healing you really are seeking?

Once we identify the root of the emotional reaction, it gives us more strength and clarity to choose differently in our response.

So when we're reaching to open the fridge, or reaching for that pack of cigarettes, that bottle of alcohol, or whatever it happens to be, that awareness may help us pause and say, wait a minute. What's going on here? Why do I suddenly feel like I need this crutch or this soothing behavior?

Part of the answer is that we've been programmed that way.

If you think about it, when we were babies and we cried, a soother may have been put in our mouth to quiet us down and calm us. That soother might even have been dipped in sugar. No wonder we crave sugar. So this might be a behavior we learned very early: distress needs soothing, and soothing can involve doing something that gives pleasure.

As adults, the soother has changed. It may now be a cigarette, a sweet, alcohol, a drug, or food. Or it may be shopping, television, social media, anger, sleeping, or some other behavior that temporarily distracts us from whatever we don't want to feel.

That doesn't mean the emotion itself is the enemy. It means that once we understand the connection between the emotional trigger and our habitual response, we have created a little space between the two. And that space is where we can make a different choice.

We can also forgive the others who were involved because they too may not have known what they were doing. Everyone has repeated patterns that were handed down to them by their parents, by society, or by other well-meaning adults. However, now the ball is in our court. We are the ones who can break the cycle.

The Same Choice Applies to Our Planet

And, of course, this applies to how we treat ourselves as well as how we treat others and how we treat the planet.

Just because something has been done a certain way for years or centuries doesn't mean we have to keep doing it that way. We have the power of our intelligence, our knowledge, our experience, our intentions, and our desire to do the right thing.

There comes a time when knowing how we got here is enough. We don't have to spend the rest of our lives endlessly examining the past or asking why.

A craving, an impulse, or an emotional reaction does not have to be a command. We can feel it without automatically obeying it. We can just say no.

And I'm chuckling as I write this because the phrase "just say no" was used very unsuccessfully in a US campaign against drugs.

But there is an important difference between someone else telling you to say no and you reaching a point within yourself where you genuinely want to say no.

Understanding the why is useful when it helps us recognize the pattern and free ourselves from automatically repeating it. But once we've understood enough to see what is going on, the more important question becomes: What's the next step? How do I move forward from here?

The Decision Has to Come from Within

I know someone who tried to quit smoking for years and would stop and start, stop and start, on and on. Yet something happened that triggered a clarity in him that he not only needed to quit, but he desired to quit.

And he decided for himself. It was not coerced or imposed by someone else. Once he made that decision, he quit and never turned back.

We may first have to do the inner work of understanding why we have been reaching for that particular form of soothing. We may need to understand the trigger, forgive ourselves for the old pattern, recognize that we now have another choice, and become clear that we truly want to move on.

So whatever it is we're trying to step away from, we need to really want to do it for ourselves. Not to please somebody else and not just because somebody else told us we should. If we're wishy-washy about it, I believe we'll get wishy-washy results.

The decision has to come from within. And that may require a lot of inner reflection and inner work to see if we are really interested in making that change. And if we're not, then perhaps we go back to the original question of why or why not.

Maybe we're not ready yet. Maybe the old behavior is still providing something we haven't found another way to give ourselves. Maybe part of us wants to change while another part is still holding on.

Recognizing that honestly is much more useful than shaming ourselves about it.

Drop the Shame

The main thing, again, is to drop the shame, the blame, the guilt, and the self-judgments. Those will just keep you in the hole, and not only that, they will dig you deeper into it.

Instead, acknowledge your successes, no matter how small. Maybe you were able to stop smoking for three hours, or three days, or three weeks before you relapsed. Congratulate yourself for what you were able to accomplish.

Maybe you walked for ten minutes today when yesterday you didn't walk at all. Maybe you made one healthier choice at lunch. Maybe you caught yourself reaching for the old comfort behavior and paused for thirty seconds before making your decision.

That pause itself is progress because it means you are no longer functioning completely on automatic pilot. At that moment, you were in charge.

And when you're ready, and again not from guilt or obligation but when you really feel ready, you start again. Without judgment. Without putting yourself down because you failed before. Failure is part of the learning process.

Who Do You Choose to Be?

The main thing is to get clear as to what your goal is and to make sure that your heart is in it. The rest will come step by step, day by day.

We began by asking why we keep doing what we know is bad for us.

Perhaps part of the answer is that these behaviors once served a purpose. They gave us comfort, pleasure, relief, belonging, escape, or temporary peace. We repeated them until they became habits, and eventually the habit remained even when the benefit had disappeared and the negative consequences had become obvious.

But understanding that is not another reason to judge ourselves. It is a reason to have compassion for ourselves and then take responsibility for what we choose now.

We cannot change yesterday's choices. We may not even be able to guarantee tomorrow's choices. But we can make the choice that is in front of us right now.

So the process is acknowledging what we know is best for us, understanding why we may have chosen differently in the past, forgiving ourselves, discovering the desire to move toward our goal, and then living our life one day at a time and one step at a time.

And through it all, reminding ourselves how we choose to live and who we choose to be.

About The Author

Marie T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner Power, from 1992-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem, personal empowerment, and well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and reconnecting with our own inner source of joy and creativity.

Creative Commons 3.0: This article is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 License. Attribute the author: Marie T. Russell, InnerSelf.com. Link back to the article: This article originally appeared on InnerSelf.com

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Article Recap

We often repeat harmful behaviors because they once provided comfort, pleasure, belonging, or emotional relief and eventually became automatic habits. By understanding the triggers behind those patterns, dropping shame and blame, and developing a genuine desire to change, we create the space to make healthier conscious choices.

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#SelfForgiveness #EmotionalHealing #ConsciousChoices #HealthyHabits
#BreakingPatterns #InnerWisdom #SelfDiscovery #InnerSelf #innerselfcom